1.For your information, please. (FYI)
Meaning : I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it.
2.Noted and returned.
Meaning : I don't know what to do with this, so please keep it little while.
3.Review and comment.
Meaning : Do the dirty work so that I can forward it.
4. Action please.
Meaning : Get yourself involved for me. Don't worry, I'll claim the credit.
5.For your necessary action.
Meaning : It's your headache now.
6.Copy to.
Meaning : Here's a share of my headache.
7.For your approval, please.
Meaning : Put your neck on the chopping board for me please.
8.Action is being taken.
Meaning : Your correspondence is lost and I am trying to locate it.
9.Your letter is receiving our attention.
Meaning : I am trying to figure out what you want.
10.Please discuss.
Meaning : I don't know what the "****" this is, so please brief me.
11.For your immediate action.
Meaning : Do it NOW! Or I will get into serious trouble.
12.Please reply soon.
Meaning : Please be efficient. It makes me look inefficient.
13.We are investigating/processing your request with the relevant authorities. Meaning : They are causing the delay, not us.
14.Regards.
Meaning : Thanks and bless you for reading all the bulls h it.
The passenger sat in the backseat, clutching the door handle and wondering if she could expect to survive the trip.
The cabdriver sped through the crowded streets,weaving in and out of traffic. The passenger watched as one pedestrian after another ran to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver.
She looked ahead and saw a truck double-parked on the narrow street,but not only did the taxi driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck.
He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side. "Driver!" the passenger screamed,"Are you trying to get us both killed?"
"Relax,lady," he said, "just do what I do. Close your eyes."
1.If you understand, say "understand". If you don't understand, say "don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand".How do I understand that you understand? Understand!
2.I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
3.Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.
4.A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he could see was sea, sea, sea.
5.Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People
6.If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?
7.I thought a thought.But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.
8.Once a fellow met a fellow In a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow What a fellow means?"
9.Mr Inside went over to see Mr Outside. Mr Inside stood outside and called to MrOutside inside. Mr Outside answered Mr Inside from inside and Told Mr Inside to come inside. Mr Inside said "NO", and told Mr Outside to come outside. MrOutside and Mr Inside argued from inside and outside about going outside or coming inside. Finally, Mr Outside coaxed Mr Inside to come inside, then both Mr Outside and Mr Inside went outside to the riverside.
10.SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS ON THE SEA SHORE , BUT THE SEA SHELLS THAT SHE SELLS, ON THE SEA SHORE ARE NOT THE REAL ONES
11.The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.
12.If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?
"When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor. Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way"
13.We surely shall see the sun shine shortly. Whether the weather be fine, Or whether the weather be not, Whether the weather be cold Or whether the weather be hot, We'll weather the weather Whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not. watch? Whether the weather is hot. Whether the weather is cold. Whether the weather is either or not. It is whether we like it or not.
14.Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.
15.A flea and a fly in a flue Said the fly "Oh what should we do" Said the flea" Let us fly Said the fly"Let us flee" So they flew through a flaw in the flue
16.If you tell Tom to tell a tongue-twister his tongue will be twisted as tongue-twister twists tongues.
17.Mr. See owned a saw.And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.Had Soar seen See's saw Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY
SICKNESS:
No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
AN OPERATION:
We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
DEATH:
Other than your own:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
Your own:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.
ALSO:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.
We appreciate your cooperation,
THE MANAGEMENT
Dear Mr Bill Gates,
This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a Computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.
2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down ' button.
3. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this.
4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run ' has ran upto Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting.
5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
6. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ' find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug??
7. Every night I am not sleeping as i have to protect my 'mouse' from CAT, So i suggest u to provide one DOG to kill that cat.
8. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning 'HEARTS' (playing cards in games) and when are u coming to my home to collect ur money.
9. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when u will provide that?
10. Hey, I brought computer, cpu, mouse and keypad there is only one icon with 'MY Computer', where is remaining ?
11. Are to kamal hi aap bole raha hi ki 'MY Pictures' there is not even single photo of mine, So when u will keep my photo in that.
12. There is 'Startup' when u will provide 'Enddown'.
13. is that 'NOTEPEN' available in system? As I find only 'NOTEPAD' , tell me fast as I lost me PEN.
14. there is 'Winzip' what about 'Lossopen'.
15. There is 'WIN AMP' what about 'Win VOLT ', 'WinRESISTANCE '.
16. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME'
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air,it was blown away.
Then...
I wrote your name on my heart & i got Heart
Attack.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created pepsi.
He saw me in dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Twinkle Twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
why doesn't it rain on you?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Roses are red, Violets are blue
monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
not in cage but laughing at you.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
When ur life is in darkness pray to God ask him
to
free u from darkness and if after you pray and
you're
still in darkness, please pay your ELECTRICITY
BILL!
Never marry a Testing girl since she always doubts U.
Never marry a DATABASE girl since she always wants her husband to be a UNIQUE key.
Never marry a C girl because she always have a tendency to BREAK the things and EXIT from house.
Never marry a C++ girl as u may encounter some problems in INHERITANCE.
Never marry a JAVA girl since she always throws EXCEPTIONS.
Never marry a VB girl since she has divorce FORM with her always.
Never marry a UNIX girl ,she always dump u with a core.
Never marry a PASCAL girl ,she always scolds u as rascal.
Never marry a COBOL girl since she may be very good in DIVISION of families.
Never marry a NETWORK girl since she may be very good in shooting troubles.
Better marry a girl not belonging to SOFTWARE FAMILY
MARRY A GIRL FROM A "HARD"WARE FAMILY, THEN...........................
*MONTHLY MILESTONES OF A BACHELOR GUY
*
*Heading*
*First Week*
*Second Week*
*Third Week*
*Fourth Week*
a) *Bank Balance*
20000
2000
200
20
b) *Conveyance*
Auto ("I can afford it")
Share Auto ("I would like to share. I am selfless!")
Bus ("Public figures should travel by public transport")
Walk ("Good for health")
c) *Girl Friends*
Eena , Meena & Tina ("I can BUY love")
Meena &Tina ("I have enough girl friends")
Tina ("I am loyal to her")
"Huh! There is no pure love on earth!"
d) *Mobile Maintenance*
Frequent outgoing calls ("This is what mobile is invented for")
Restricted outgoing calls ("I should not create unnecessary traffic on
mobile lines")
Rare outgoing calls ("Mobile should be used in urgent situations only")
Only incoming calls ("I am not going to call her until she calls me")
e) *Boozing*
"Come, let's go to Goa and freak out!
"Man, there is nothing in Goa . Let's go to Mysore ."
"The best place to booze on earth is our house itself. What say?"
"Drinking is injurious to health."
** *MONTHLY MILESTONES OF A Bachelor GIRL
*
*Heading*
*First Week *
*Second Week *
*Third Week *
*Fourth Week *
*a) Bank Balance *
20000
20000
20000
20000
b) *Conveyance*
A uto ("after all my boy friend pays for it")
Auto ("after all my boy friend pays for it")
Auto ("after all my boy friend pays for it")
Auto ("after all my boy friend pays for it")
c) *Boy Friends** *
Abhinav , saleem, Peter
Sachin, sumeet, vinay
Abhijeet, Ram, christopher...
Arun , Saketh, vimal..
d) *Mobile Maintenance *
Only Incoming calls (Its for ppl 2 call me)
Only Incoming calls (Its for ppl 2 call me)
Only Incoming calls (Its for ppl 2 call me)
Only Incoming calls (Its for ppl 2 call me)
e) *Boozing*
"Come, let's go to Goa and freak out!
"Come, let's go to Kulu and freak out!
"Come, let's go to Shimla and freak out!
"Come, let's go to darjling and freak out!
1. The maker doesn't want it; the buyer doesn't use it; and the user doesn't see it. What is it?
2. A child is born in Boston, Massachusetts to parents who were both born in Boston, Massachusetts. The child is not a United States citizen. How is this possible?
3. Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth?
4. Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this
possible?
5. Captain Frank and some of the boys were exchanging old war stories. Art Bragg offered one about how his grandfather led a battalion against a German division during World War I. Through
brilliant maneuvers, he defeated them and captured valuable territory. After the battle he was presented with a sword bearing the inscription "To Captain Bragg for Bravery, Daring and Leadership.
World War I. From the Men of Battalion "Captain Frank looked at Art and said, "You really don't expect anyone to believe that yarn, do you?" What's wrong with the story?
6. What is one thing that all wise men, regardless of their religion or politics, agree is between heaven and earth?
7. In what year did Christmas and New Year's fall in the same year?
8. Why are 1990 American dollar bills worth more than 1989 American dollar bills?
9. A farmer has 17 sheep and all but 9 die. How many are left?
10. How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?
11. How could you rearrange the letters in the words "new door" to make one word? Note: There is only one correct answer.
12. Even if they are starving, natives living in the Arctic will never eat a penguin's egg. Why not?
13. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
14. In Okmulgee, Oklahoma, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
15. There were an electrician and a plumber waiting in line for admission to the International Home Show," One of them was the father of the other's son. How could this be possible?
16. A butcher in the butcher shop is 5' 10" tall. What does he weigh?
*ANSWERS*
1. A coffin.
2. The child was born before 1776.
3. Mount Everest (it just hadn't been discovered).
4. Clara lives in the southern hemisphere.
5. World War I wasn't called "World War I" until World War II.
6. The word "and".
7. They fall in the same year every year. New Year's Day just arrives very early in the year and
Christmas arrives very late in the same year.
8. One thousand nine hundred and ninety dollar bills are worth one dollar more than one thousand nine hundred and eighty-nine dollar bills.
9. Nine.
10. Only once, and then you are subtracting it from 20.
11. "One word"
12. Penguins live in the Antarctic.
13. Neither. The yolk of the egg is yellow.
14. You have to take a picture of a man with a camera, not with a wooden leg.
15. They were husband and wife.
16. Meat.
